is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
