You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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