I'm jealous of your bromance
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Randomize
