we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I touched a dick in church today
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
