Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
