I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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