Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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