just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
