I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
