I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
