sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
