i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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