After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
