I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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