All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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