ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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