I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
