someone threw a dead crab at me
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You made out with two different species that night
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
