I accidentally had phone sex last night
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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