Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
