From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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