Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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