Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
