my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize