Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
