I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
