It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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