The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
