Banned from zoo.
Again?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
