That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
