We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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