If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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