if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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