How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
