I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
