My liver just broke up with me...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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