I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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