I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize