my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
