i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
