i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
