I wish I only lived at night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I supernannyed him into submission
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
