No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
