This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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