you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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