he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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