someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
