Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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