You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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