:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I am one with the molecules
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
