Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
The air was thick with penises
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
