You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
