I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
