Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I deserve this hangover.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
