He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Randomize