there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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