i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
